and this one so don't blame me.



98% OF AMERICANS SAY "OH shiitake mushroom" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM PENNSYLVANIA AND THEY SAY, "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS !!"

The Reality of New Year's Resolutions
As we all start a new year, it is time again to make those ever so important New Year's Resolutions. I have faithfully made such resolutions in the past, and while I haven't been able to keep all of them, I have tried my best to continue making progress on them year after year. Following is my revised list of "New Year's Resolutions - 2008 Edition":

Resolution #1
2005: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2006: I will not leave Marge.
2007: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2008: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

Resolution #2
2005: I will go to church every Sunday.
2006: I will go to church as often as possible.
2007: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2008: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

Resolution #3
2005: I will not let my boss push me around.
2006: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2007: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2008: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #4
2005: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2006: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2007: I will read 5 books a year.
2008: I will finish Airport.

Resolution #5
2005: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness.
2006: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee.
2007: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.
2008: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.

Resolution #6
2005: I will get my weight down below 180.
2006: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2007: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2008: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

Resolution #7
2005: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2006: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2007: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2008 : I will not miss any AA meetings.




Steve

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other
monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they
are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, pointing
out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be
continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,but
you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it
against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the
monks goes downstairs to look for him.

Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the old monk
leaning over one of the original books crying.

He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply,
"The word is celebrate."

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a
“Living Will”

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down.

He asks the bartender for a shot of 20 year old Scotch.

The bartender figures he can get over on the guy so he just pours him some bottom of the line Scotch. The guy swigs it down and then gets mad. He says to the bartender "I told you I wanted 20 year old Scotch!"

The bartender feels that it was just a lucky guess so he tries it agin with a little better Scotch.

The guy swigs it down and again gets mad. "I told you I wanted 20 year old Scotch!".

The bartender is amazed with the guy and this time he actually pours him some 20 year old Scotch. The guy swigs it down and says "That's what I am talking about!".

The whole time there is a drunk at the end of the bar watching this go on and he is amazed at the guys talent.

He gets up ... walks to the end of the bar ... gives the guy a drink ... tell him about how amazed he is with his talent and asks the guy to drink up.

The guys swigs down the drink and immediately spits it out. He says "That tastes like pee!".

The old drunk just looks at him and asks ... "So ... how old you think I am?!"

A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance. 
Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello Margaret, this is meeee..."
"Fred," she answered. I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?" 
"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over." 
"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried. 
"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm a buffalo in Montana."

Quoting Telecine:

Quote:
The Perfect Worker

LOL! That reminds me...

Get out of the car!
(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida.)
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "T have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realised why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. Moral of the story?
If you're going to have a senior moment ... make it memorable.