THE PASTOR'S CAT
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighbourhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.  So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?'
She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humour.

Sick leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office....

When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him '...And where do you think you're going?'

(You're gonna love this.....)




He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'

A stark naked, drunken Australian woman, jumped into a vacant taxi in down town New Delhi.
  The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman.   
  He made no attempt to start the cab.
  "What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?"           
  "I'll not be staring at you lady,    I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from".
  "Well if your not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?"
  "Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."

NAG “ NAG “ NAG!!!

An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client. His last minute plea to the governor for clemency had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. 

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him: What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? 
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it! . . . . . .  and on and on and on . 

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub - - - pursued by his wife and her predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client,  James Wright,  had been granted a stay of execution after all. 

Wright would not be hung tonight. 

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, and how terribly inconsiderate she had been, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. 

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 

"They're not hanging Wright tonight!"  she said. 

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted
  beach in Boca Raton , Florida . She looked up and noticed that a man her
  age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand  near
  hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a
  conversation with him. "How are you today?"
 
  "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
 
  "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
 
  "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned
  back to his book.
 
  "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is
  very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
 
  "Yes, I live over in Coral Springs " he answered, and again he resumed
  reading.
 
  Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like  pussy
  cats?"
 
  With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off  her
  swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
 
  When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How  did you know that was what I wanted?" ..............
 
  The man then replied. ............. "How did you know my name was Katz?"

One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his usual
route, delivering the mail.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the
driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of
empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' The Postman
comments.

Derek, in obvious babalas discomfort, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday
night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.

We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun
and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started
playing WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet
covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women tries to guess who it is.'

The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.'

Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.





NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.


 




SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.


 





THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
                                                                 

 


 


YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU? --

Think before you speak...


Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl*w j0b?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men’s balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget..


FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's willy last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my burger, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,  she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"  "No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their food laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan in America laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!